Forgiveness 2: A HISTORY

But for the mercy of God.

This is what my whole life hinges on, the mercy of God Almighty, but for His mercy I know, and not just an internal knowing, an actual knowing that I would be a person I do not really like.

How can I say this so boldly? Because I have a story to tell, and I have lived two lives: one without Christ and one with Christ. And I know the difference and see the difference.

I have fornicated, been cheated on, cheated on two people: one being my ex husband at the end of our marriage. I smoked weed when I was a teenager, I have been a person who drank a whole bottle of wine a day. It did not seem abnormal. I would even travel to vineyards and became quite a wine connoisseur, I smoked shisha regularly. I have had an abortion, and I have had a miscarriage. I have cheated in exams once. I have dated married men as vengeance against my ex-husband and as my own foolish attempt to keep marriages intact. Our justifications for our behaviours can be incredibly telling about our true natures and our insecurities. I was abused mentally, physically, and emotionally. I was also financially abused, I became more aggressive and reactive, and the more abuse I was exposed to, the more I tried to cry for help, the more  nobody listened, or they listened and did not believe me. The angrier I became. I was sexually abused and molested as a child by cousins and family friends, and my then husband raped me twice in one week before I ran away from our marriage with my child.

I dabbled in the occultic even though I did not know or understand that was what I was doing. I exposed myself and, in seeking help, got exposed to unnatural things, spiritual things I should not have come near. I saw,heard, and experienced things that if I described it to people, they would not believe me. People saw my desperation and  said they would and could help but only wanted to get something. Do not be desperate people, do nothing in desperation it always leads to a bad bad road. I was hypnotised more than once by a man who told me I was spiritually strong, but so was he. And through all the many people around me, I had no clue what I was putting myself through and how ugly my soul was becoming.

To get a better picture, I grew up in dysfunction, married into dysfunction, had and maintained friendships in dysfunction, worked in dysfunction, I lived, breathed, and had my being in dysfunction, violence and abuse. The society I originally came from is broken now more than ever. I guess everyone can say that about their own societies and cultures.

I  lived with darkness until God’s light found me. I was in the deepest, darkest, dankest hole, and I was trying to dig my way out, but I was trapped and digging myself only deeper. Even when I stopped digging, I was still stuck until Jesus found me, He literally found me and set me free. From so much, from so so much. Oh my God, from so much. Things I never had a clue I was even dealing with.

I have walked through the fire, people have taken advantage of me, and I let them because I wanted to be liked by them. Victim by choice, I’d like to call it.

Anger made me brutal, I would beat my child for the smallest infractions, and my ex-husband suffered wrath in hands because I could not control him and what he did to me. He would punish me, and I would lash out. I felt like I had no control over my life, so I tried to control everyone and everything around me. *I have since made amends to my child, and I am working on earning trust again . My child is working on forgiving. I have also made amends to my ex-husband and made restitutions.* I could only do any of this because Christ came.

I wanted to be loved, I was dry because I wanted love so much,  I became desperate to be loved and anyone who came around me could smell the stench of wanting acceptance, approval and neediness on me.

I wanted to so much to stop doing the things that I did but there seemed to be no way out, I could not get out of whatever was happening around me, I tried on my own and failed miserably,many,many times. Sigh, that’s why one of my favourite sayings is also “thank God for Jesus.” It’s a loaded statement, but it means the world to me, my entire world and existence, actually.

Now God has told me to tell my story unashamed because His mercy saved me. I know He told me to do this because my story is actually His story because it is about Him, a story of His mercy.

I have come to tell you that mercy will bring you out of the deepest darkness, and His grace is audacious enough to call you that lived in darkness a child of light. How crazy is that?

After my first deliverance: I heard in my Spirit as I laid on the floor spent and tired but lighter:  go and sin no more. The woman who administered the deliverance also said these words to me: woman where are thy accusers, even I do not accuse you, go and sin no more.

 I am forgiven, I want to make that clear before we go any further: mercy through the blood of Jesus redeemed me, bought me, brought me back, and paid for my sins. I am forgiven, and if a lost soul like mine can be redeemed and forgiven, what do you think Christ is ready to do for anyone else? For I was the worst of sinners. What do you think He will do for you, seeing what He has done for me!

I have gone to a lot of places, seen a lot of things, I have been wounded, I have wounded others, bled on them, I have lived in the darkest, smallest, hidden place where there was absolutely no light, no means of escape but the Light that is Christ found me and said to me “Talitha Cumi” : Little Girl arise from death back into life. Christ redeemed me and now I have come to tell you my story to let you know no matter how far gone you are, how far gone your family is, your life has turned to, the paths you’ve walked that you should not have walked, how far you’ve walked and how lost you are and how much you have lost or given away when you did not know any better but you thought you did.  I have come to tell you that you can be saved, the blood of Jesus can and will  wash you clean, and you can be who God has always known you to be.

I will take you into the things I learned along the way as Christ healed me and I was delivered from my past and sanctified into who I am today.

My real identity in Christ.

I will start by telling you the truth, if you have experienced a lot of trauma in your life, your process may not be as straightforward as other people. There are a lot of things you have to unlearn, a world of un-learning that will probably take you another lifetime to unlearn. There are deep processes you have to go through on your journey to wholeness. It will not just be focusing on one part of you, it is about getting whole and healed: every part of you will have to be renewed so you can be the fullness of who God has always called you to be, your new identity. We will talk about tough things, you have to be willing to do things you have never done before, you have to be willing to forge ahead even if there’s no one physically on your side anymore. You have to have faith that God will see you through and be with you through it all, that He will never leave you nor forsake you.

You have to have faith that God can and is willing to start and ultimately finish the work he has started in you.

Please, I beg of you, for your peace and ultimate freedom, you have to do the work.

I will take you through as much as the LORD allows me to, all the things I learnt in the process of deep healing and deliverance.

We can also pray for your healing together. My contact is on the about page.